Relational Aggression

Son bullied in summer school

2009-08-11T13:35:00.003-04:00

Q: My 9 year old son was recently bullied by another boy in his summer school class. My son doesn't know this boy as they were not in regular classes together during the school year. My son's shirt was ripped, he received scratches (bloody) on his face and arm, and one scratch became infected so I had to take him to the doctor. This boy also tries to trip my son and calls him vulgar names. The school will not tell us who the bully is and anything else about the situation other than "it is being addressed." They will not tell me how it is being addressed, such as what consequences the bully has had, if his parents know, or what steps the school is taking to help my son. We've tried being patient but our patience is worn thin now and my son has 2 weeks left of summer school and is dreading each day. Thanks for any insight!

A: Your story is one that I hear more times than I can count. We received the same go 'round when our son was bullied in his school some years ago. The school will likely cite privacy rights so ask them what rights your son has and what your rights as a taxpaying citizen are. You're likely to get stares, dropped jaws and non-answers. For whatever reasons, schools seem bound to protect the bullies and guard their rights.

As a parent, you cannot properly protect your child until you know who the bully is...he may be a neighbor, your son may have to ride the bus or walk to school with this boy, and so on. Ask the school why they are covering up for this boy. Since your son received injuries that required a doctor, you may want to consider legal advice and letting the school know that you are seeking counsel. Rather than bullying, your son was assaulted and is the continuing target of the bully.

I would have little trust in a school who not only failed to protect my child but then also engaged in cover up and refusing to cooperate with the parents of the victim to seek solutions. In cases such as these, I suggest seeking legal counsel from a source in your area. It isn't fair that you will be inconvenienced, it isn't fair that you will likely have legal fees on top of doctor bills, it isn't fair that your son is bullied/assaulted and the school is not cooperating...I've been there, done that. Your alternatives to not seeking legal advice would be to homeschool or change schools. But changing schools is not an easy thing to do and no guarantee that it won't happen elsewhere. Homeschooling is a major undertaking and not all can do it. Just something to think about.

*Copyright 2009 Julie P Clark

Julie has written a Guide for parents, schools, and other organizations to deal with bullying/relational aggression issues:

Another bullycide....

2009-06-04T14:18:00.003-04:00

Yet another child has taken his life. This is happening with frightening frequency:

Parents of teen who shot himself file $3 million claim against district

By SCOTT MARTINDALE
The Orange County Register

SAN CLEMENTE – The parents of a San Clemente High School sophomore who shot himself to death last month have filed a $3 million legal claim against the Capistrano Unified School District that alleges administrators failed to stop the "relentless" bullying leading up to his suicide.

Daniel Mendez, 16, was found May 1 in a residential neighborhood near his San Clemente home, dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

To read the entire article, please click on the OC Register link: The Orange County Register

Bullying And Being Bullied Linked To Suicide In Children, Review Of Studies Suggests

2009-05-21T21:40:00.001-04:00

ScienceDaily (July 19, 2008) — Researchers at Yale School of Medicine have found signs of an apparent connection between bullying, being bullied and suicide in children, according to a new review of studies from 13 countries.

To read the entire article, click HERE

Social Aggression

2009-05-21T11:57:00.003-04:00

There is a relatively new name for bullying...social aggression. Some year back "relational aggression" became known to mean girls bullying girls using relationships to emotionally harm others. This problem is becoming worse and is also now being referred to as social aggression. But whatever the name, it is still harmful. A dictionary definition of "bully" is abuser. We can dress up the problem in whatever outfit that is currently in vogue, but an abuser by any other name is an abuser.

If you are a parent, school personnel, or deal with groups of children and bullying is a problem, you may be interested in my Guide on relational aggression...it tells what it is and what can be done about it. The Guide is sent as an email attachment so there are no shipping charges. The 27 page Guide may be ordered for $15 here:
Relational Aggression: What it is, And What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It

Girl's beating girls

2008-05-15T14:05:00.000-04:00

In early April, six cheerleaders (with 2 male lookouts), viciously and violently attacked a friend for about 30 minutes. At one point, Victoria "Tori" Lindsay was unconscious. News reports a month later are saying that she still cannot see well out of one eye and cannot hear well in one ear.Since the news broke, as well as news of another vicious girl fight, I've received a good number of emails from parents and teachers. I've also heard from many girls who experienced violent physical attacks. Nearly all ask me "why? and "what can we do about it?"There are many answers to why, depending on whom you ask. But asking why almost always gives excuses to the criminals...they were victims of someone else, they came from a broken home, they'd broken up with a boyfriend, they were mad about something...and so on. Continued

Is free speech really free?

2007-11-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

A while back, I received an email from a young lady who attends high school. She had found my website on Relational Aggression, Stop RA Today and wanted to know "what's the big deal?" She went on to say that there is such a thing as free speech, and that she has a right to say what she wants to say. And if others don't like it, too bad. If she says something that hurts someone, then "they're just weak and deserve it." If that isn't narcissistic thinking, I don't know what is.

On the Cornell University Law School website, it says this "Freedom of expression consists of the rights to freedom of speech, press, assembly and to petition the government for a redress of grievances, and the implied rights of association and belief." Some have taken that to the extreme and feel that anything they say should be okay because they have the right. Continued

Psychological Bullying Hits Just As Hard

2007-09-29T20:43:00.000-04:00

I found this on another blog and thought that it was very interesting:

School bullying doesn’t have to leave physical bumps and bruises to contribute to a hostile and potentially dangerous school environment. Behavior that intentionally harms another individual, through the manipulation of social relationships (or ‘relational aggression’), is just as significant a concern for adolescent psychosocial development and mental health, according to Dr. Sara Goldstein from Montclair State University and her colleagues from the University of Michigan.Their study shows that adolescents exposed to high levels of relational aggression perceive their school to be less safe, and are less pleased with the general social atmosphere of the school. Adolescent boys who are exposed to relational aggression are also more likely to carry a weapon to school. This is not the case for girls.

Click here to continue Psychological bullying

Daughter and Relational Aggression Trauma

2007-09-22T17:07:00.000-04:00

Q: I've read your website on Relational Aggression. My daughter suffered through this for several years before we took her out of school to homeschool. She's in seventh grade now. She went to therapy for a little while but her therapist didn't think that she needed to come back, that she was dealing with it well. However, she tends to only want to be with me. She has lost all interest in the hobbies she used to have. Is this normal? What should I do? The only girls she is still somewhat friends with are getting tired of her only wanting to talk about what happened at her old school. She only talks to them on the phone or when they come to our home, which is becoming increasingly rare. What can I do to help her? Thanks!

A: A Glasgow, Scotland, psychologist, Carol Craig, writes “A focus on the self can create an obsession with how you feel and can lead in some kids to depression.”If this were my daughter, I would find some things for her to do without Mom. It isn't healthy for either of you to spend so much time together. She needs friends her own age. What were her hobbies before? Is there a homeschool co op near you? Joining a co op has many advantages, and your daughter would be around young people and finding new interests, as well as rekindling old ones. Her self-esteem will soar as she makes new friends, becomes involved in activities, and perhaps does volunteer work in the community. Doing for others will give her a sense of accomplishment and boost her confidence.

You should make sure that you take care of you, too. If you are married, make sure that you and hubby have time for yourselves. Do things as a family, too. If you live in an area where you can take long bike rides, being out in the fresh air and exercising is a wonderful way spend family time.Think back to what some of her hobbies were. Then ask which one she would like to start up again, or if she would like to begin a new hobby. Give her a day to make up her mind, if she doesn't have an idea. Then choose a hobby for her, perhaps one you know that she used to enjoy. Begin requiring that she spend time on her hobby each day, while you have some time for yourself.

Having been through a bullying situation with my own son, I know how it can suck the life out of you. Once she gets her mind on other, more enjoyable pastimes, rehashing what happened over and over will stop. Maybe not right away. And she may have memories of that time into adulthood. Many of us do. But give her some coping skills, be supportive, and help her to find the outlets she once took pleasure in again. Encourage her to visit her friends in their home, and, if she has hobbies and reads books, she will have plenty besides her troubles to talk about.

While talking is good therapy, too much is not good. Once it becomes a preoccupation, she needs to be gently lead into a healthier, more productive life.

Julie is author of the guide "Relational Aggression: What it is, And What Parents, Schools, and Other Organizations Can Do About It." The Guide is a 27 page Word Document that you can print off on your own computer. And expanded form is being written with a co author and will be available in the relatively near future. Click here to read more: Stop RA Today